Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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