Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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