I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
