I only kidnapped one of them. chill
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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