I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We talked him into tasing himself.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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