I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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