I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
