You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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