when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
