Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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