I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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