with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
