Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
