Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
