Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just found puke in my bra..
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
