I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
