You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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