he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
