I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
