What did we do last night that was yellow?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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