Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
