Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
