I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
