I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
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