Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
