On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
