Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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