We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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