if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
