I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
