The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
