theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
