Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
