you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I think people are normalizing furries
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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