I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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