dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
