the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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