Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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