Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
