Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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