it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
