Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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