I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
