I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
