i think my mom watched the whole time
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
