is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
