can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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