so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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