Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
