no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
