So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
