I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
zippers are such a cool invention
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
