we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
