Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
