1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
