I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
