i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
