Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
