Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Randomize
