Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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